I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
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