upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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