I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
