grandma shit on top of the toilet
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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