2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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