god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
