you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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