before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
