Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
