omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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