I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
