Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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