I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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