At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
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