Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
