Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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