I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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