are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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