I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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