I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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