i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
and you fell through a lawn chair
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
