Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
