Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
so let's talk penis.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
