Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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