my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
