i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
