Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
