I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
