Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
