I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
