I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
