cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
