Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
