you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
