I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
