Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
