Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
