Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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