mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
