Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
