I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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