You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
