I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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