so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
