I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She bit a glass in half.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
