I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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