someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
