This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I am naked and annoyed.
Randomize
