Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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