I'm passing your future prison.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
