So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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