just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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