i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
There's always time for handjobs
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
