well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
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