At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
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Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
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That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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