ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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