it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I think I won the penis lottery.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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