Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
