I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
