Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy