Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
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just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
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Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.