i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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